Another Plug for Therapy

I recently ran into a survivor -- a young woman I had worked with a few years ago. I asked her how she was doing.

"Good," she said.

I looked at her closely. "OK," I said, "is that 'good' as in, 'that's the polite thing to say when adults ask you how you're doing,' or is it 'good' as in, 'you're actually feeling good'?"

She laughed and gave the question serious thought. "I'm actually feeling good," she decided with a firm nod and a happy smile. "Yeah. I'm actually feeling good."

I should point out that when I first met this young woman, she was in so much pain that she was threatening to kill herself. Her experiences had been so horrendous, and her suffering so extreme, that she took my assurances of healing for a cruel joke. She was in so much pain that I wasn't sure I believed what I was telling her.

And now here we were -- she was beaming up at me with happiness and pride on her face, telling me that she was feeling good. And I believed her. "Well, you know," I told her, "you just made my day. Maybe my whole month."

She laughed again -- something that, at one time, I had never thought I would see her do -- and continued on her way. "I'll send you a bill!" she called to me over her shoulder. She laughed again.

Is This For Real?

I'm not making this up. It really happened. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people are in as much pain as this young woman used to be. When I first suggested that therapy could help her, she gave me a sneer that almost peeled the paneling off my wall. Then she described my idea with language that would have shocked a Longshoreman. Clearly, she didn't believe me. And I wasn't sure I believed me. I felt overwhelmed by her suffering and pain and anger, and couldn't imagine how anyone could help her.

But, you see, here's the point: somebody did!

I don't know exactly why she decided to take my advice after all. I don't know what I said to changer her mind; I don't know why she decided to believe me. Maybe it helped that I had gone through therapy and was living proof that it worked. Maybe it's because I used to have the same opinion of therapy that she did. But whatever the reason was, she decided to go.

Lots of people don't. Unfortunately, some people are so convinced that therapy can't help that they remain stuck in the pain and anger for years, and sometimes never get out of it. Some people try to pretend they're feeling better. Some people think they can feel better through sheer willpower, or by trying to convince themselves that they have forgiven their attacker. None of these things work, but some people will try anything to avoid going to a therapist.

That's a shame, because in general, therapists are a remarkably friendly bunch of people. I remember when I first went into a therapist's office. I still didn't believe anything good would come of it; I was humiliated to be there, and the whole idea just made me feel sick. But the therapist's office felt safe. Or, safer than the nasty, dangerous world out there. And things got better from there.

Yes, it really works.

I don't understand the stigma that is associated with therapy. I don't understand why people will do almost anything rather than see a therapist. I used to be one of those people, and I still don't understand it. There is a similar stigma attached to going to a crisis center, and it is just as damaging as the therapy stigma.

The simple facts are these: Therapists and crisis centers are not things to fear. They are actually your best hope. A recent report in Consumer Reports magazine said that a combination of talk therapy and medication proved to be the most effective way to help people. There are thousands and thousands of people in the world who can testify that therapy helped them.

I remember once, I was in the incestabuse chatroom, and asked someone if they were seeing a therapist. The person wrote back, saying, 'no, I'm going to try to deal with it by mself.' I wrote, 'I'm sorry to say this, but that doesn't work.' The person wrote back, 'It doesn't?' I wrote, 'Nope.' And one after another, every other person in the chatroom wrote in to answer: 'No.' 'Nope.' 'Sorry, no,' on and on, about a dozen people.

Then I wrote, 'Therapy works.' And every one of those dozen people added their agreement.

If you're suffering, if you're trying to deal with this by yourself, please consider getting therapy. Open your mind to it just a little bit. Imagine living without all that pain. Think about how nice it would be to feel joy again. Therapy can do that. Yes. It really works.

After my encounter with the young woman survivor, I went on my way with a spring in my step. Behind me, someone shouted, "Doug! Hey, Doug!"

I turned around and there she was again, pulling a confused-looking guy along behind her. They smiled at each other, and then she turned and beamed at me.

"I want you to meet my boyfriend," she said.