Emotional Survival in an Abusive Relationship

I sometimes get emails from people trapped in abusive relationships. For one reason or another, they are not able to leave. Some live in foreign countries; some just aren't yet ready to seek help yet. They all want advice on what they should do.

But First...

I do have some suggestions, but I have to put them in perspective. These are not a substitute for proper therapy and help from an appropriate agency. These are ideas to help you hang on until you are ready or able to seek proper help.

Lessons from Dyslexia

Some experts conducted a study of people who have dyslexia, the learning disorder. The study found a pattern in how several dyslexics survived their difficult childhoods. The findings made sense to me, so I'm presenting them here. Whether you're an adult or a child, use them if they make sense to you. The suggestions can be done in any order, so don't be thrown off by my numbering.

Step One: Find Something You're Good At

Yes, find something you're good at, and it can be almost anything. The study mentioned several activities their subjects have pursued, and most were school-oriented. But that doesn't mean they have to be school activities. As long as it's not something dangerous or unhealthy, like "I'm good at drinking until I pass out," there are virtually no other limits. The study told of one kid who enjoyed being on the wrestling team. Another wrote for the school newspaper. Another kid wrote poetry at home; another discovered a passion for painting. One kid discovered singing in the church choir. It can be anything from gardening to arts-and-crafts to sewing or furniture building or working with animals or learning English.

Once you have discovered what you're good at, throw yourself into it with enthusiasm and determination. Spend as much time on it as you can. Develop it, explore it, improve on it. Enter contests if you can. Do as well as you can.

This step may be difficult if you are in an abusive relationship where your every action is controlled. Your abuser may be suspicious or jealous of your new hobby. It is up to you to decide what to do then. You could pursue it in secret, if you think you can do that safely. You may be able to find an activity that is acceptable to your abuser.

This is a difficult area. A controlling and abusive spouse may feel threatened by anything that makes you feel better, because it endangers his control over you. On the other hand, a child in an abusive or neglectful home may have very little trouble in getting permission. Only you can decide if this is something that is right for you.

The benefits of finding something you're good at are obvious. Your home life, your abusive situation, is bringing you down, down, down. You feel horrible, helpless, and in pain. By finding something you're good at, you can nurture your self-esteem. No matter how crushing the abuse is to your self-esteem, you will still have the awareness that you're good at something. That won't go away. When you finally get away from the abuse, you can use that as the foundation -- a place to start rebuilding your self-esteem and emotional healing.

Another benefit of Step One is that as you improve and concentrate on it, you are spending a lot of time and emotional energy on it. This is time and energy spent on something good; this is time and energy not spent on your abuse. Even though you can't change the facts of your abuse, you can make it a smaller part of your life.

Step Two: Find A Healthy Relationship

Often, this can be done side-by-side with Step One. Your wrestling coach, your writing teacher, your choir director, or a team-mate with nice parents would fit the bill.

You can look for someone who is involved in your hobby, but don't limit yourself. This healthy relationship can come from anywhere. You could even reach out to someone who used to be a friend before your spouse alienated the person. Use your judgement on how to stay safe while you do this.

Use the healthy relationship as your touchstone, your link to reality. Don't idealize the relationship, but use it to remind yourself of what a healthy relationship is like. This will limit how much your abuse warps your perception of what "normal" is.

Step Two will help you survive even if you are only able to spend a little time with the healthy relationship. The healthy example will lay a foundation you can build on later. And the presence of the healthy relationship will take up room in your life that your abusive relationship then can't occupy.

Use Your Best Judgement

Remember, these suggestions are taken from a study on dyslexic kids. Think about these ideas, and pursue them if they make sense to you. Everybody's situation is different; everybody's needs are different. Seriously consider any steps you can take -- safely -- to counteract the effects of your abuse. They will help. It may be years before you know how much they helped.

Best of luck to you.