Talk To Your Sons

As we go about our daily lives, we assume that our sons will absorb our attitudes and values just by being around us. They do learn a lot that way, but it's not enough. You also need to sit them down and tell them, "In our family, this is what we believe." They may groan and roll their eyes, but really -- they're listening.

Start Early

We adults are making an important mistake. We talk about date-rape, for example, with college-age kids. But the statistics show that date-rape starts in the junior high schools! If we wait until the kids are college age before we broach the subject, we are many years too late, many attitudes have been formed, and many kids have been victimized.

Boys pick up many life-long attitudes on the elementary school playground. These attitudes include things like "violence is the only manly response to any situation," and "anyone who loves their parents is a sissy."

Obviously, these attitudes are wrong. They are formed by elementary-school boys who are trying to figure out how to be men. And since they don't have a clue how to do that, they make stuff up. Many boys grow up without ever questioning those "rules," and everyone suffers as a result.

The boys may learn other rules by observing their parents, but that does not counteract the elementary-school rules. Contradicting rules will abide in your son side-by-side, producing considerable confusion. It takes a direct, heart-to-heart talk to sort things out.

Parents are busy people. They have tremendous demands on their time, and sometimes important things get lost in the shuffle. Here are some of them.

Invest the time

Give serious thought to what you believe, especially on topics like sex, how to treat girls, and the difference between honorable behavior and dishonorable behavior. These are the things your son wants to know. Now. Have you ever specifically told your son about them? When? How clear were you? And did you make it clear how important this stuff was?

Take some time to discuss this with your spouse. Compare notes on what each of you have said, and to whom. If you have talked to one child about an important topic, never assume that the other children have just "picked it up." If it's important, be sure to tell each kid individually.

You have been told that you have to "live" your values, otherwise your kids won't believe you. That's true. But don't forget that sitting them down and talking to them is equally important.

I have spoken to dozens of mens' groups about "women's issues" like domestic violence, sexual assault, and so on. My main point is that they are not women's issues, but people's issues -- that they are vitally important to men too. I talk to the men about standing up for their mothers, wives, daughters and grand-daughters, and the men in the room nod with their entire bodies, their eyes burning with passionate agreement. It's wonderful.

At the end of my speech, I tell them, "Now take this enthusiasm home with you. Tonight, go talk to your sons." Surprise flashes in their eyes, a kind of "Wow, I never thought of that!"

I have also spoken to groups of angry young men who are on parole. When I enter the room, they make it a point to show by their expressions and body language that they are not interested in anything I have to say. Then I say that I'm going to tell them how to be a man, and suddenly I have the active, almost desperate, attention of every person in the room. Nobody has ever told them this before! They are desperate to be men, but they don't know how, and their efforts so far have landed them in trouble.

One kid, around seventeen or eighteen, told me about his aunt, who is constantly being beaten by his uncle. This kid loves his aunt, and hates what his uncle is doing. "I think he knows it too," the kid told me, "because when he walks past me, he doesn't look me in the eye." I nodded. "You know why?" I asked. The kid shook his head, and I said, "It's because you're a man, and he's not, and he knows it."

You should have seen that kid's face; how he straightened up in his chair, how pride suddenly glimmered in his eyes! You could tell that he had learned something about being a man: real men don't use violence against women. By the end of my talk, the young men had learned other things too. They were still desperate to become men, and now they knew how to do it, and they knew how to act to earn admiration instead of fear; how to establish their manhood without breaking the law, and without hurting or scaring anyone.

Every boy needs this kind of instruction. Your son may not be in trouble, but he is still trying to figure out how to be a man and how to relate to women. He learns a lot just by watching how you treat his mother and sister, but he is just dying for you to give him more details.

And he has heard things, and learned things, that he has never told you -- things that would shock and horrify you.