What to Do When Your Daughter Has Been Raped

It's worse than your worst nightmare. It's the worst thing you could ever imagine. Your daughter has been raped. You are filled with pain and rage and confusion and thoughts of violence and revenge. You are paralyzed by anger; your family is in shambles, and you have absolutely no idea what to do.

Let me start by saying that I'm very sorry this has happened to your family. It's unimaginably horrible, and you have every right to feel angry and upset.

Now. Here's what you have to do.

"Your finest hour."

Remember, during World War Two, when Winston Churchill said that this was "their finest hour"? It was the darkest days of the war. The Blitzkrieg was in full tilt, London was in flames, and England teetered on the edge of defeat.

This is very likely your family's darkest hour. They need you now, more than ever before. They need your guidance and your leadership. They can't imagine how the family will ever be OK again. Twenty years from now, fifty years from now, they will remember what happens next.

So you have to pull yourself together now. You have to exercise gentle leadership; you have to make the tough decisions; you have to lift yourself from your own despair and take action.

1. Don't blame.

Seriously, don't blame. Don't blame your daughter, don't blame your spouse, don't blame yourself. All of the blame, all of the fault, all of it, all 100% of it, belongs to the rapist. Even in the heat of anger, don't tell your spouse, "This is your fault for letting her wear those clothes," or ever tell your daughter, "You shouldn't have done (fill in the blank)."

Never. Never ever. Your spouse and your daughter already feel as bad as they possibly can. No matter how badly you need to vent your anger, don't vent it on them. It will cause wounds that might never heal.

If you've already blamed them, if you've even asked one "why" question, you need to un-do it. Sit down with them, tell them you were wrong, apologize for saying it, and stress that it was not their fault, not even the tiniest bit. You won't believe how much they will appreciate it.

Avoid asking "why" questions as much as humanly possible. "Why" implies blame. "Why" makes the other person feel accused, even if you don't mean it that way. Remember, you are in a horrible situation. Everyone in the family is an open wound. Make sure they know that they are not at fault.

2. Get help.

This may be the toughest thing for you to do. You may be heavily biased against therapists; you may have been scornful of people who get therapy; you may not believe in it. Fine. But now is the time to get over all that.

There is no way your family can recover from this trauma on its own. Trying to pretend that it never happened just won't work. Trying to heal by working to convict the rapist just won't work. You have to make the tough decision -- you have to do the right thing for your family. They are waiting for your leadership; they are waiting for your permission.

So tell them that you are going to get professional help for everyone because you love them, and because it's the only action that makes any sense.

You call the Sexual Assault crisis line. You arrange to meet the advocates. You arrange for therapy with a full-qualified, specialized therapist.

And bring everybody. You, your spouse, your daughter's other siblings, everyone else in the house -- you are all secondary victims. Your daughter, of course, is the primary victim, but you all need therapy now. See to it that everyone gets it. They'll do it if you give permission.

3. Call experts.

In addition to therapy, you need to get other experts involved. Experts from the Sexual Assault crisis center in your area (usually called Advocates) will be an incredibly valuable asset as you work to put your family back together. They know the law. They know the emotional healing process. They work for free. They will offer an array of services for you to choose from, and will support you with advice and knowledge. And unlike a therapist, you can call them at any time with a problem -- "When my daughter says (fill in the blank), I never know what to say." They'll give you useful, practical ideas.