Whistleblowers

In an abusive family, the family member who seeks help is often denounced by the rest of the family. They resent the fact that a family member went public with their secret, or "blew the whistle" on the problem. Thus the Whistleblower feels abandoned or ostracized. If this has happened to you, realize that you are not alone, and you did the right thing.

Preserving The Big Secret

If you are in an abusive family, it sometimes seems like you are living in a Faulkner novel. Your life is filled with tension and stress. And your family has a deep, dark secret that it will guard and keep at any cost.

Sometimes, just realizing this fact is a revelation to people who are being abused. The fact that abuse exists, whether it be physical, sexual, or emotional, is a Big Secret that dominates your family. Protecting this secret takes priority over everything else. If you are confused and bewildered by actions your family has taken, look at it from the point of view of the secret. Preserving the secret, and acting like everything is normal, is the most important thing to your family. If you realize this, then things your family has done probably make more sense.

In an abusive family, preserving the Big Secret is more important than family happiness, the health of a family member, financial success, religious faith, or almost anything else you can think of. Some of the most horrible or bizarre things that have happened in your family -- the things that confuse you the most -- can be explained by this fact.

In some families, this rule is spoken and understood by everyone. More often, however, it is never spoken. The Big Secret is so secret that family members don't even speak of it to each other. Preserving the secret is something you are just expected to know and participate in. The fact that you have received no information or training on it is considered irrelevant.

Obviously, this family dynamic makes no sense. The sub-rules to maintaining the Big Secret are so arbitrary and strange that many people who are immersed in that situation feel like they are going crazy.

Rest assured, you're not crazy. The abuse is crazy. Keeping the secret is crazy. Making sense of the whole situation is impossible.

Going For Help

If you need to know how to find help, look under "Related Resources" at the top and to the right of this column. My "Where To Find Help" article will tell you how to call your local Women's Crisis Center or Child Abuse Prevention Crisis Center, whichever one is most appropriate to your case. If you are an adult survivor of child abuse, still call the Child Abuse Center. This call could be one of the best calls you ever make.

Realize that Mandated Reporting laws differ from state to state. Generally speaking, if you tell the crisis center that a child is in danger, and if you give them details such as names and addresses, then the crisis center may be required by law to report that to authorities. If a child is involved, the thing to do is to ask about Mandated Reporter laws as soon as you call. The experts at the crisis center will explain the laws in your state, and help you remember what information to provide and what information to withhold so that you can stay in control. Then they can give you advice and offer resources while maintaining your anonymity.

If the people involved are over 18, then Mandated Reporter laws probably don't apply, even if someone was victimized as a child. If the victim/survivor is now an adult, and can report the incidents if s/he wants to, then it becomes a non-issue. (NOTE: Make sure you confirm this with the expert you call, to make sure that this is true in your state.) In this case, where only adults are involved, the crisis center makes your privacy their highest priority.

Family Reaction

OK, so you've gone for help, and the family secret is out. Depending on the case, the abuser may be arrested, or child protection workers are involved, or something similar. The expert at the crisis center can tell you what will happen with your specific case. Family reactions can be hard to predict, but I will share some case studies. I don't want these to scare you -- I hope they prepare you, and maybe help you understand why some family members react the way they do.