Controlling the Size of the Tragedy
In previous articles I've talked about emotional detachment to help control things in your life that are out of control. But if you've survived a horrible experience, the event can cast a long shadow, poisoning your chances of leading a good life. And you wish, with all of your might, that you could make the event go away, or at least make it smaller.
I can't make it go away. But I can help you reduce the event to its proper size.
It's related to detachment, and is a similar skill. It's called, 'keeping perspective.'
Keeping perspective is much more than the advice you got from your grandmother to "count your blessings," but it reveals the truth in the adage. To put an event into perspective takes a deliberate mental exercise. The effort gets easier with practice, it gradually changes your outlook, and can end up having a positive effect on your whole life.
An example will help. Recently, a friend of mine was fired from his job by a cruel and demeaning boss. Now, based on that piece of information, what can my friend conclude?
- He has lost his job.
- He is unlucky by nature.
- All people are mean and cruel.
- His life is awful.
- God hates him.
If you were to ask my friend, he would answer, "all of the above." But you and I know that isn't true. If he has lost his job, that proves that he has lost his job. It may be an unlucky event, but it "proves" nothing about his overall luck, whatever that may be. And losing his job does not give any evidence about options 3, 4 or 5.
OK, that makes sense, right? You saw the answer clearly and it was pretty easy. But that's only because you are at least one step removed from my friend and his plight, and therefore can look at things objectively. Chances are, you have magnified some problem out of proportion in your own life, and maybe you're still doing it.
Examine an event or trauma in your life that still looms over you, and see if you can put it a little more into perspective. Don't mistake me for a minute -- there are horrible, tragic events like abuse that will loom over you for years, and I am not belittling the pain you feel. I am just wondering if it's possible for you to give it a little less power over your life.
Taking my friend's example again, write down all of the thoughts you have about your trauma. Doesn't matter how far-out or silly the thoughts are -- you're thinking them, so you've got to deal with them! Write them all down.
Sometimes the simple act of writing them all down will help you realize that one or two of the conclusions you are drawing as a result of your trauma just don't stand up to the light of day. Writing them down, and looking at them objectively in the cold light of day, makes a couple of them wither away. Then look at the others, and attack them with logic.
Go to the next page to learn how to put these statements into perspective.
