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People who are working on emotional healing often try to create order in their lives. A common error is to become too rigid and overreact to mistakes made by others or by yourself. Here's what you need to know about mistakes and how to handle them properly.

First let's look at the source of the problem. If you've been abused in any way, you have experienced the horror and frustration of having absolutely no control over your life. Someone else was in control, and it was awful, and so now you want control. One way to exercise control is to make sure nobody makes mistakes of any kind. This is quite understandable. Unfortunately, unless you factor in the many complexities of the issue, and add a whole lot of understanding, this approach is not going to help you feel better.

So let's establish the main rule of life right away. The sooner you accept this, the better for you and everyone around you. The rule is this: mistakes are inevitable. In fact, let's put it in bold to show how important it is: Mistakes are inevitable.

It's true. Being human, you will make mistakes. Other people, also being human, will make mistakes. All living things make mistakes, without exception. Your friends will make mistakes. Acquaintances will make mistakes. Your pets will make mistakes.

So how to respond? Since everyone will make mistakes, does that mean that you are doomed to be angry and outraged at all times? Certainly not. There are all different kinds of mistakes, and how to react depends on many factors.

• Was it on purpose?

  The person who made the mistake -- was it just an accident? Did they know what would happen? Were they just clumsy? Did they do it out of ignorance? Was it something well-meaning that got out of hand? Or was there actual malice involved? Taking a look at the motivations of the person who made the mistake will add a lot of depth and background to the event.
  
  

• Can it be fixed?

  I once knew an accountant who discovered that he had made a mistake on a state form of some kind. He cursed himself and beat himself up, down, and sideways. Finally, I had to intervene. I said, "Can't you send in a corrected form, with an explanatory note?" He replied, "I haven't even sent in the form yet." So in other words, to fix the problem, he just had to erase some numbers and enter the correct ones.

  I suggested to him that instead of saying, "I'm an idiot! I made a mistake on this form!" he instead say, "Well, I am fortunate and smart to have double-checked the numbers! Good catch!" He rejected my suggestion, which suggests to me that he's going to be unnecessarily hard on himself for a long time. And, no, his attitude will not help him avoid future mistakes! It will reduce his attention to detail by increasing his stress, and will tend to encourage more mistakes, not fewer.

  Sometimes things can't be undone or erased. Maybe you've insulted a friend. Or you broke a rule and people are upset. But if it can't be undone, maybe it still can be fixed. An offer to replace something that is broken is a good option. A heartfelt apology can work wonders.

  Regarding the apology: it's a difficult balancing act. You are working to reduce your inner self-hatred, your tendency to beat yourself up out of proportion to the size of the mistake. So don't make the apology half-hearted or light-hearted. Few things worsen a situation more than that. You can give a heart-felt, sincere apology without torturing yourself inside. They are different entities, so make sure you separate them in your mind.