Guilt Complex

For many survivors, guilt is an everyday fact of life. But like most emotional wounds, it can be overcome with proper therapy and some patience. Here are some guidelines that can help.

Recognize the source

For many survivors, the feeling of guilt is so strong and pervasive that it seems like an overpowering fact of life. The first step to take is to recognize that the guilt you feel far exceeds normal levels. The abuse you have suffered has distorted your perspective, and you have lost the ability to judge what level of guilt is appropriate.

In many cases, the perpetrator of your abuse told you some deep, fundamental lies. It's not your fault that you believed them -- you had no way to judge lies from the truth. The first step to controlling guilt is to constantly remind yourself that your ability to judge guilt levels has been sabotaged. So when the huge levels of guilt begin crashing down on you, refuse to accept them as legitimate. Fight back. Even as you feel the guilt, keep telling yourself, "This may not be the level of guilt that is appropriate for this occasion." Your feelings of guilt will attack again and again. Repeat this statement over and over. It will weaken the guilt trip right at its base.

Finding appropriate levels

Guilt is a subjective thing -- that's why your perp was able to skew your judgement so thoroughly. Fixing your judgement will take some time and experimentation. If you are like most survivors, you are thinking in an all-or-nothing mindset, where you are either innocent or the most despicable being on the planet. I have addressed this black-or-white thinking in other articles, and it is just as true here. This mindset is inaccurate and unfair, and it's gotta go!

Devote a fair amount of time and energy to this, because it's important. You have to develop a graduated scale to replace the all-or-nothing scale you currently have in your head. Any alternative will be better, so just work on what really works with how you think. You could choose a numerical scale of one to ten. You could choose a musical scale, where the high notes and the low notes denote complete guilt and complete innocence. Volume is another option: peace and quiet means innocence, and a very loud horn means guilt, so how loud do you feel? You can invent a scale with colors, or cartoon characters. I know one person who developed a scale based on smell: a fresh-baked cake meant innocence, and rotting garbage meant guilt, so how fresh do you feel?

The important thing to remember is that your scale has to be able to represent something more than all or nothing. This is because very little in life is 100% good or 100% bad. Learning how to think in terms of shades of gray will be a major breakthrough in itself.

Details, Details, Details!

Armed with your new, graduated scale, you are ready to attack your guilt trip. Chances are, your guilt is a habitual response, vague and fuzzy, but universal. Begin demanding details. What exactly do you feel guilty about? (You'll probably be able to name an incident.) OK, what exactly about the incident do you feel guilty about? (You may be able to name two or three things.) Aha! So you can name some details that make you feel guilty. That means there are other parts of the incident that do not deserve guilt feelings. So already, you have to move your graduated guilt scale away from the 100% mark, and slide it significantly downward.

Keep attacking!

I have mentioned this before, and I will mention it many more times. If I had a magic wand, I would command a copy of this book to appear in everyone's house. It's a book called Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. He describes in detail what I'm talking about here. You need to practice using the rational part of your brain to talk back to the irrational feelings of guilt (or any other irrational thoughts that make you miserable). Don't "go with your feelings." We have established that, on this issue, your feelings can't be trusted. They're out of whack, and you need to use your rational mind to re-adjust them until they are in tune with reality. So attack the irrational thoughts with rational, calming facts.

Go to the next page for more words on how to tackle guilt.