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Your Guide to Abuse / Incest Support.
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Here's the situation: you are in a significant relationship with someone. That someone could be your husband or wife; your boyfriend or girlfriend; your fiancee, or your significant other in some other way. You are committed to this relationship and this person, and then you learn that this person was abused.

The abuse could take many forms. Abuse as a child. Abuse as an adult in a previous relationship. Sexual violence, either as a child or an adult. Rape. Battering. Emotional abuse. The list is depressingly long.

NOTE: This situation can happen in all relationships. A man finds that his wife/fiancee/girlfriend/significant other was abused; a woman finds that her husband/fiance/boyfriend/significant other was abused. It is equally likely in gay couples. I tried writing this article in a gender-neutral fashion, but it became murky and hard to follow. I re-wrote it so that the abused partner is a woman, and the person receiving the news is a man. Although the statistics indicate that this is most common, this was mostly an arbitrary choice. Please remember that it could be re-written in any form, and if my choice makes it harder for you, I apologize. The English language does not provide adequate gender-neutral words for this situation.

Getting The News

First of all, you're probably taken by surprise, right? Or maybe this news actually answers a whole lot of questions you had about how your partner was acting. Either way, you are likely to be frozen in horror and surprise.

You're thinking, "What the heck! Why is she only telling me now??"

That is a legitimate reaction, but there is a good reason you're only hearing about it now. This is the most personal, most private, most painful thing your partner has inside. She has struggled with this for years. After all, it's not something you tell just anyone. You only reveal this to someone special, someone you trust, someone you are close to. Your partner knows that you deserve to know this stuff, but face it -- there is never a right time to say, "Oh by the way, my father raped me for ten years."

So work to accept the fact that there was never a good time to tell you this. And your partner has struggled with 'When To Tell You' and 'How To Tell You' for a long time now. This has not been deception. It has not been lying by omission. This has been fear. And pain. And more fear. And more pain. And uncertainty. Realize that no matter how bad you feel, your partner feels worse.

How To React

Okay, you've just been told. Your brain has frozen in shock. The enormity of the information has stunned you. Now, as you gather your wits back together, you will notice that there is a long silence in the room, and it's getting longer and longer, and she is waiting for your reaction to her leap of faith.

1. Reassure. The most important thing to do is, assure her that she is safe in telling you this. It is common that victims feel dirty, humiliated, ashamed, and revolting, because of something that happened to them, over which they had no control. Right now, she is terrified that you will be disgusted or revolted or enraged -- at her! Make it clear, through your shock and horror, that your love for her is not in question. Express sympathy and concern and acceptance. Hold out your arms. She may be dying for a hug. On the other hand, as she talks about her abuse, she may not want any human contact. So offer it, and let her take it or not, as she needs.

2. Tell the truth. You will wish you had a magical phrase that will fix everything and eliminate her pain. You will wish you were incredibly wise, and could say the perfect thing. But there is no perfect, magical phrase, and she's waiting in agony for you to say something. So say what you think: "Oh my God! You poor thing! I'm here for you! I'm speechless! I'm so sorry that happened to you! I wish I could stop your pain! I love you!" Pick one or two that feel best, and say them over and over. I strongly suggest that you choose "I love you" as one of them.

3. Listen. Let her tell you about it. As many details as she is comfortable with. Ask questions gently, and occasionally. She should be doing 90% of the talking now. Just listen, and let her pour out the story. Make it clear, by word and action, that she is safe in telling you this. Hold her unless she specifically doesn't want it.

Your responses should be short: "Uh huh, Yeah, Oh my, Oh geez, You poor thing, Go on," that kind of thing. Let her stop when she wants to. Your primary focus should be on making sure she knows that you still love her, that she is safe in having told you.