What You Need to Know
Vulnerability
The the elderly can be particularly vulnerable to sexual or physical abuse. This can come as a shock. Most people don't think of elderly people in a sexual context. Some people have formed a stereotype of elderly people as wise and having their lives in order.
But the sad fact is that the elderly do experience sexual and physical abuse, and in fact, are particularly vulnerable to it. One of the reasons is that nobody thinks of this possibility, and therefore perpetrators can operate safely behind this wall of ignorance. Even if there are signs of abuse, you usually won't see them if you're not looking for them. Adults who take standard precautions to protect their children often don't think of taking standard precautions to protect their parents.
This is especially true of sexual abuse. Someone told me, "My mother is 87 years old! How could anyone think of her sexually?"
Please remember: rape is not about sex. Rape is about power, abuse, and control. Grandmothers and Grandfathers get raped, and it's not always by some guy wearing a ski mask and hiding in the bushes. It can be by a relative. It can be by a trusted employee in the nursing home. It can happen. It does happen.
So the first step is to acknowledge the vulnerability of your elderly loved ones. Look around like you would for your children. Ask questions. Notice things. Be alert. This will accomplish two things: it will allow you to notice signs that are there, and will scare off any potential perpetrators who are looking for easy or safe targets.
Credibility
Many elderly people have lost the ability to communicate clearly. Because of strokes or other paralysis, it can be hard to understand what they're saying. Maybe you've gotten into the habit of not listening closely. Some elderly lose their hearing, and therefore their speech enunciation has deteriorated.
Even if you can understand what they're saying, there is a tendency not to believe it. People tend to assume that age is affecting something an elderly person says, especially if it sounds strange. "He's senile," or "It must be her medication acting up again," are common ways people dismiss words or phrases they hear from elderly relatives. Well, it may be senility or medication, or it may be that they are trying to tell you about abuse they are suffering. Maybe someone is molesting them, or someone is hitting them, or someone is withholding food. It's important to listen to what the elderly person is saying.
Isolation
When an elderly person lives alone, or an elderly couple lives alone, abuse is possible. There was a story on the news where an elderly man was kept in the basement for years by his elderly wife. Sometimes a relative will beat the elderly person. Sometimes this is because a child is exacting revenge on a formerly abusive parent, but not always. It can be the person who delivers the meals, or the person who mows the lawn.
Please realize that I am not trying to make you paranoid, and to distrust everyone in the world. That is not the solution! I am trying to point out ways that abuse can happen - ways you probably never thought of. Now that you are aware, you can take sensible precautions, ask appropriate questions, and listen more effectively.
Shame
Like any other victim of abuse, the elderly person is likely to be embarrassed or ashamed. On top of the shame that any rape victim would feel, the elderly person is also likely to feel ashamed of being so old and helpless. They used to be strong and vital, they used to be the ones in charge, they're the ones who changed your dirty diapers and protected you from 'ghosts' in your closet. They are not used to this vulnerability. They are not used to needing you to parent them.
You need to understand this feeling of shame. "Why didn't you tell me this right away?" you may ask in shock. Well, it's the same reason any rape victim has - shame, shock, fear of not being believed, and so on. Work to cultivate a similar sort of relationship with your elderly relatives that you would with your kids. Let them know that they can tell you anything. Let them know that you will always love and believe them. Make sure they know that you still respect them, and always will. Think about it - if they already know that you consider them a burden, and a drain on your patience, how likely are they to tell you about something like this?
Resources
Here's another thing to remember. Your elderly relative is going through something you don't understand. You have no experience with this; you don't know what it's like. Realize that there is a lot that you don't know, and don't be afraid to ask. Ask doctors, ask social workers, ask experts at women's centers. You can make a big difference in the quality of life of your elderly relative.
