There is no explanation -- but there are useful suggestions.
Thursday September 7, 2006
Survivors of incest or similar sexual abuse grapple with many tough questions. One of the most common questions deals with the motivation of their molester, and is simply, "Why would s/he do this?" Tragically, the answer is also pretty simple: "We don't know." Experts agree that if a person was molested as a child, the chances of that child growing up and becoming an abuser is very high. But that's a correlation, not an explanation, and doesn't answer the question.
It's easy to understand why a survivor would ask these questions. They are trying to make sense of what happened to them. But the act of sexual abuse just does not make any sense. It falls into the same class of question as why lightning bolts or plane crashes kill Person A but spare Person B. There are no answers that will satisfy people. But there are some things we can say with certainty, and some questions that have better answers. Here's one: "Whatever the molester's motivation, the blame is entirely his (or hers), and none of the blame is yours." We can also encourage you to ask other questions, like, "What is the best way to heal?" or, "How can I move on with my life?"
These responses don't give you what you're looking for, but they're the best we can do. I encourage you to work with your therapist to shift your focus away from the question with no answers. Look into our other responses instead. They are the ones that will lead you down the road to healing.
It's easy to understand why a survivor would ask these questions. They are trying to make sense of what happened to them. But the act of sexual abuse just does not make any sense. It falls into the same class of question as why lightning bolts or plane crashes kill Person A but spare Person B. There are no answers that will satisfy people. But there are some things we can say with certainty, and some questions that have better answers. Here's one: "Whatever the molester's motivation, the blame is entirely his (or hers), and none of the blame is yours." We can also encourage you to ask other questions, like, "What is the best way to heal?" or, "How can I move on with my life?"
These responses don't give you what you're looking for, but they're the best we can do. I encourage you to work with your therapist to shift your focus away from the question with no answers. Look into our other responses instead. They are the ones that will lead you down the road to healing.
Comments
i’ve read this response, and i agree, but you have to go deeper into the abusers mind. i trully believe that an abuser has major control issues of their own, and through their own insecurities, (maybe not feeling in control) they inflict this act of controlling others, ie through sexual abuse, domestic violence etc. i found that to be true in my own case. my father sexual abused me, and my sister, beat my brothers (tried to kill one) that type of thinking led me to a point where i no longer blamed myself. i didnt reach that point untill i was in my 30’s. but understanding control in my father made me come to a point of making peace with myself, and feeling very sorry for him. i dont find too many websites that help me, but do read this one from time to time, and think that this website should go alittle deeper into the psych of molesters, or abusers, so we could understand more, and forgive outselves.
I would also like to understand the motivation of the molester, but to know that, a molester would have to give you that information, and frankly I wouldn’t trust anything a molester said.
I was a little girl that grew up with a lot of incest. Not only my father, but 2 of my babysitters. Now that I am in my 30’s I have spoken with my father about the abuse. He never knew that I was also being molested by 2 other grown men. It shocked him. I just had a baby and I moved back home. I wanted a boy for one reason. My father reasured me that he would never touch another child again. Of course it happened to him when he was little. I asked him if there were any other children he said no. I asked him how can I trust you to be alone w/my child? I know my father is a changed man. He is now a pastor in his own church. I brestfed in front of him. Yeah it was weird at first but I got over it. I use to be uncomfortable around him w/ no bra or short shorts. Not now I think he could care less. About 15 years of my life have been waisted on drugs, stripping, bad realtionships. My father cried one night w/ me he spoke words that I will never forget He said” If you need any kind of help because of what I did and others did to you. I am willing to confess go to prison whatever you want so you can move on a functionable female in society.” He told me he was allways a little fearfull I would blackmail him one day. I never did. My little sister she knows and saw what happened. I am so thankful that it happened to me and not to her. I don’t know why I typed this.I feel like a part of me is healing. Thankyou for listining.